calls

I’ve made 3 calls this morning. All of which made me think it’s time to stop being emotionally attached to them.

First call, s. I missed his call at 2am so I called him back at 4am just to be informed that it was her who was in his dream. Naman. I even told him kahit sa panaginip siya pa din and then we laughed at it. Pero yung tawa ko, may bitterness. I know I shouldn’t be reacting this way pero I can’t help it. Madrama nga di ba. Oh well, ego tripping lang siguro kung bakit ko pa rin siya pinapatulan or I’m just making up an excuse to be reasonable for my actions.

Second call was for j. I called him after I called s. I just felt like calling him. Probably because I want to feel being loved after being rejected by the other one. I’ve been calling him days before, either his phone is turned off or he doesn’t answer my calls. Anyways, he told me his phone was broken and he’s having it fixed. Of course I believed him. His one of the few that I know wouldn’t lie to me. But still hindi ko mapigilan magtampo sa kanya. And I told him that. Linambing lang ako ng konti, ayun, ok na naman ako. They always get away with me. Grrrrr….

Third call was b, na ngayon m na daw. Wahaha. Why did I fall for that. Emotionally vulnurable lang sigruo ako or maybe it was just plain infatuation or pwede rin I find the situation challenging. Lagi naman ako ganyan kanya lagi din ako napapahamak. I always find myself being challenged by the situation and because I don’t want to be defeated by the challenge, I take risks and you know what’s the ending. Panalo ako sa challenge pero talo naman ako sa emotions ko. So I called him. Somebody told me he was out on a date with the little bitch. I know he’s been eyeing the girl before we even flirted with each other. E ang lola mo, bumigay kanya tuloy ngayon he’s flirting somebody else. Oo na, it’s my fault. We were doing fine at first until we both got confused and thought that we were getting serious about each other which is a really big NO, NO. Bakit hindi dapat? Una, child abuse (hehe, lagi naman). Pangalawa, anak siya ng boss ko dati. Third, may gf (don’t they always have one? Hehe). Ay, yun lang pala. So bakit nga ba hindi? Like all these reasons can keep me from getting myself involved. Kasi yung fourth, nagiisip na ako. Dati kasi, I don’t pause to think. I immediately plunge sa pool and realize in the end na kahit marunong ako lumangoy, takot pa rin ako lumangoy sa malalim. I just realize it kapag nalulunod na ako. Kanya ayun. So what’s the issue. Bad trip lang kasi hindi ako makapaflirt dahil nagiisip na ako ngayon. I just felt depriving myself from the fun I’m supposed to be enjoying. Arrggghh. Buhay nga naman.

So ang moral lesson, I should know when to draw the line. Kung flirting, just flirt. Kung seryoso, then I should really commit myself to the relationship. Which both are very difficult for me. When I flirt, I have the tendency to be attached and when I’m in a serious relationship, I tend to take for granted the commitment with the other person. Tsk. tsk. tsk. Hindi ata sila yung may problema. Ako yata.